anyway, the article begins with a profoundly obvious statement - everyone gets married with the perfect marriage in mind, but about half of them end up in divorce. right. she goes on to say that most of the people make a mistake of marrying the people they 'love'. (*gasp* - and here i was foolishly thinking that love is what makes the world go around.)
anyway, the key point of the article is this - love doesn't work. put your brain to work and ask 5 key questions before committing to a person, to remain married until one or both of you die (pragmatic restatement of 'until death do us part'). they are: 1. do you both share a common life purpose?; 2. do i feel safe expressing my thoughts and feelings with this person?; 3. is he/she a sensitive/refined person, who is always trying to do good?; 4. how does he/she treat other people?; 5. am i hoping to change this person after marriage?
i leave it to you to figure out as to what should be the 'right' answers.
i would like to put in one little footnote: ask any single person who is on the lookout and they will agree that it is becoming increasingly hard to find a person who you get along with so well that you are willing to consider living together for the rest of your life. it is a tad surprising, but everyone around you would be getting hitched, including the person you set your eyes on, except you.
i wonder then, how many singles would be willing to put themselves through such an acid test and risk losing the person, rather than using the time to plan the wedding. i mean, if you can bum on the couch/go for a movie/dance/hike together and come back feeling like you had a great time, why not? yes, i know ms. heller might say it is a recipe for disaster, but it does seem more practical.
that aside, i am always amazed at just how many interpretations have sprung up on this subject of love and marriage. it has been compared to waiting for a bus, a star wars-type-alliance between aliens from mars and venus, a box of chocolates, a roll of the dice, and even an unknown and unknowable inscription on our foreheads. wow.
a lot of thought apparently goes into marriages these days. a reporter from a magazine once interviewed my grandparents as to the success of their 75-year marriage (divorce was not an option back then, but there were run-away husbands and wives) my grandmother's answer was quite simple - "we never thought about whether we were happy or not - we were married, that's all."
no, don't get me wrong. in this age of technological advances, i am not suggesting that we abandon our brains. but i am not going to add any more notes to the check list on what-to-look for/do-before-you-say-yes.
why? because i don't know what love is all about. i cant describe it, i cant say where or how you find it, and i cant say how one can confirm if what they are feeling is love or if it is just an endorphin or adrenaline induced high.
but i do know one thing - that there are couples in this world who have found it. i see it in their contented smiles, in their care to ensure that everything is just right for each other over simple things, in their longing to head home to spend time with their other half. and this is what i see a few weeks, months and many years of marriage - somehow, life with all its downpours of drudgeries never seems to dampen their bond.
these couples are ironically the ones who never offer advice on love or marriage - maybe because some of the greatest nuggets of wisdom can never be told. they can only be felt and experienced.
maybe i should add a bullet to the checklist - "none of the above"
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